


years of you a staircase away from me

by crookedspoon



Series: Feed Me, Also, River God [15]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 10:41:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2809406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crookedspoon/pseuds/crookedspoon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He could have told her how he feels any number of times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	years of you a staircase away from me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nocturnal08](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nocturnal08/gifts).



> Minor spoilers for 1x09.
> 
> Happy yuletide, nocturnal08! I hope you don't mind my sneaking in so many Iris feels here. After the midseason finale, Barry needed a place to put them.

It could have been so easy.

Even before his lightning speed, he could have told her how he feels any number of times. He's had a lifetime to rehearse the words. And he did try to rehearse them to perfection, but there was always something more, something essential that he forgot in the heat of the moment. Even accelerated, he would never have the time to tell her how perfect she is – not if he wanted to be thorough, listing every detail that made his heart clench and his breath catch.

It's like a nervous condition, this being in love. He's always thought the name of her workplace is curiously appropriate: Jitters. It's the reaction his body undergoes when he's close to her, and it's been going on for so long the palpitation and the sweaty palms have become second nature.

He was a fool to believe no one would notice.

 _Yes, it's that obvious,_ everyone's looks seem to suggest. But he measured his world in Iris, and she hadn't noticed, hadn't even considered the possibility. "It sounds crazy even saying it," she said, dismissing the very notion of it. She was pretty even when she was uncertain. It made it hard to focus on the topic in question.

 _Crazier than a man who can run up the side of a building?_ he should have asked. Instead, he stammered lies.

Yeah, the boundary for crazy's not so clear anymore these days. But his penchant for super-tardiness would always remain smack in the middle of it.

Because, if he's been so obvious, how come no one told him so before? Before the lightning, before Eddie. He might have had a chance – and he had so many chances to try – before he missed nine months of his life and with them, the development of the relationship between his best friend cum love interest and the new guy on the force. (Whom she didn't even like before!)

Bummer.

"Don't get me wrong," he told Joe once. "Eddie's a great guy. I'm happy for Iris."

Joe just frowned at him, as though he either didn't believe him or didn't want to talk about who his daughter was dating.

But Barry meant it. As long as Iris is happy, he can live with the longing and the need – even the still clinging, irrational hope. It's what he knows, anyway. What he's known for so long he wouldn't be the same Barry if he wasn't in love with her anymore. The difference in brain chemistry would be too great.

Ever since the revelation that Joe has known _all along_ , Barry's been meaning to talk to him about it. Mostly to ask him why he just stood by watching all these years. Barry could have saved himself a lot of heartache, if he'd known Joe had been watching. Probably. 

It was unfair to seek the blame in others. He'd never even considered Joe's side of the story. When Barry first moved in with the Wests, Joe was probably more concerned about Barry's mental health than about his love life. He may also have considered that egging Barry on would have complicated everyone's relationship with each other if things went south. (A tiny part of Barry used that as another excuse to keep quiet.)

In the end, Joe probably thought it was none of his business. He's not the sort to meddle. Heck, he didn't even say anything about Eddie, although he knew.

It was Barry's own fault for not having had the courage to act sooner. Because it was safer not to say anything. As he told Felicity: "What if it changes everything?"

For the longest time, he hasn't been ready for that change, for turning that potential of losing her completely into reality. Or even the improbable scenario in which she returns his feelings. Not knowing the outcome killed him. But it also gave him hope. As long as there was a chance, however minuscule, he thought it wiser to stand by idly and be consumed with love (and just a tiny hint of jealousy).

*

It wasn't only fear of change or rejection that kept him. He had other missions to accomplish first. As long as his mother's killer remained out there, he knew he couldn't move on emotionally to become the man he wanted to be for Iris. It's as if he'd upset the natural order if he circumvented that.

So when he was about to capture the man in yellow, as he thought, he couldn't hold it in any longer. He was ready to burst from the potential. His life was about to change its course: he would apprehend the guy, bring him to justice, and his father would be able to walk out of prison after fourteen years. They would finally find closure.

Paradoxically, it helped that Iris is out of reach for him, now that she's about to move in with Eddie. The strength of their relationship allowed Barry to confess his feelings without having to wait for an answer or to fear he'd be the reason for an eventual break-up. If she's sure enough about Eddie to move in with him, his words won't change anything.

Caitlin told him not to get involved, but how was that possible if he's essentially been involved ever since he moved in with the Wests? (He always thought he'd be the first to move out, too...) They have shaped his life and his decisions as much as his mother's murder has.

"You look like you could use some more eggnog."

"Hm?" Barry looks up, thoughts skidding to a halt. He's surprised to find Joe standing next to the sofa, offering him his favorite mug. Barry takes it gratefully.

"You've been staring at the damn tree for the last ten minutes," Joe continues and sits down beside Barry.

"Have I?" He thought he'd replayed all the pertinent memories of the recent past in the time it takes him to sigh. He must have been sighing a lot during these ten minutes. Perhaps brooding slows him down a bit. "I guess with everything that's been going on lately, I don't know where my head is."

"Oh, I'm not blaming you. I'm having a hard time keeping up myself."

It's good to have Joe around. He's like the solid groundwork in his life, and no matter how fast Barry's going or how much his life is changing, he knows he can rely on Joe to support him and be there at the end of the day.

"From now on it's just you and me in this house," Joe says, fixing his gaze in the same direction Barry's been staring into before.

Maybe Barry has been too self-absorbed dealing with his own drama that he's never considered how Joe is holding up through all of this. Even if he sets aside the part about facing powers beyond their understanding for now, there is still his relationship with his daughter to consider. Keeping secrets from Iris might be easier once she has moved out, but it must be lonely knowing you'll be seeing less and less of your daughter.

Barry doesn't know what to say. Iris has already moved some of her clothes to Eddie's apartment, and in the coming days more will be sure to follow. It hurts him a bit, this gradual disappearance of Iris from the house, but how can he comment on that without sounding like a self-centered douche?

"It's going to be quiet around here," is all he manages. 

"Already is, Bar. With me working old cases, you out crimefighting and Iris covering the late shifts, we barely see each other at home. Most of the time, when Iris has to talk to either of us, she'll come down to the precinct."

Joe is right. Unless they make plans for a get-together, they either see each other in his lab or at Jitters. (Although Barry cheats and sometimes zips past just to catch a glimpse of her.) Life is not going to change much in that regard. He'll just have to get used to not expecting to return home to her, or find traces of her around the house, something he's looking forward to every evening despite how often Iris spends her nights at Eddie's.

"Yeah..."

They drink their eggnog in companionable silence for a while. Sometimes, Barry wishes he could slow down as well, so awkward moments wouldn't take up as much time from his perspective.

"Look at it this way," Joe chuckles, likely trying to find the good points as much for himself as for Barry. "Now we each get to use our own bathroom in the mornings. That means you have to come up with new excuses for why you're late to work."

"You're right. I didn't even think of that." Barry glances at Joe, conspiratory. "But Singh doesn't know about it yet."

"He will sooner or later. Word travels fast around the precinct."

"Yeah. Sometimes I wish there was an easy way of telling everyone what I can do. Just so that I don't have to lie anymore."

"It isn't safe."

"I know that. It's just an idle thought. I wouldn't want anyone to be in danger because of their affiliation with the Flash."

Safety first. Self-esteem second. It's what Wells would have said. Perhaps they've been consulting about him a little too often lately. Or perhaps their concern about him just brings them to the same conclusions.

Barry had intended to be a bit more careful before the guy in the yellow suit showed up again. For Iris. On the one hand, he didn't want her to think the Flash was some meanie who threw a tantrum every time things didn't go his way. On the other, her being mad at the Flash and not talking to him was safer for her. So in the end everything worked out, even if he didn't like how.

"So," Joe interrupts his thoughts. "You ready to go the ice rink?"

"The ice rink? Do we have a case?"

"No, silly. I thought we might go a couple of rounds instead of brooding at home. You know, like we used to."

Barry's face brightens. They haven't gone in years. Not since Barry went to college. "Sounds great to me."

"We can visit your father afterwards when our toes freeze off."

"Then what are we waiting for?" Barry asks, then stands ready in coat, muffler and gloves by the door a moment later. "Let's go!"

**Author's Note:**

>  _"Safety first. Self-esteem second."_ quoted from The Flash Season Zero. Title taken from Mary Szybist's poem "To You Again."


End file.
